And so it came to this. The final day of a momentous season and a dramatic death-duel of
cinematic Harvey Keitel vs. Keith Carradine proportions, with Clapham knowing only a victory would secure them promotion.

Fortunately, the boys in blue-and-green came packing ample heat, with Mark Hignett, James Allen (2), Sam Emmery (2), Andy Douglas (2), DJ OG and Adam Spooner all among the scorers as the home-side put their opponents mercilessly to the sword.

Truth be told, Croxley seemed to have their minds elsewhere (the epic train voyage back,
perhaps?), their inner-disharmony exacerbated by some recruits from their first team largely firing blanks as the Xaverians dined at a footballing buffet serving some exquisite finishing.

Nine onion-bag busters would send Jimmy Branwood’s spreadsheets into curdling paroxysms, among them a Douglas curler (his second of the day, following a steamy rendezvous with a changing room privy) and an improbable rocket header from Allen (tapes of which are currently circulating between members of the Nottsborough boardroom), while Croxley failed to muster an effort worthy of the name.

The final whistle’s clarion sounded Clapham’s transcendence to the accompaniment of tears (might have been jizz) streaming down the faces of Captain Steve Gordon and Chief Assistant Emmery, the rest of the squad equally jubilant (the sound of champagne corks could be heard popping out of servant orifices back at Brannon mansions), while centre-backs Joe Gnanhoua and Spencer Grady opted to use this moment to vociferously argue the finer aspects of zonal marking.

Celebrations at the hallowed County Road clubhouse would go long and glorious into the
night (7.15pm), with keeper Alex Jayes called into action for the only time that day, dialling
up the local pizzeria for some exquisite oven-baked slices. These were subsequently chased down by a deep-fried chicken mountain, served up by former Quisling, James Allen. The rate at which these comely comestibles were devoured proved the Xaverians were as hungry for tucker as they were for promotion, while discussion of Nazis and sex pests momentarily ceded to talk of next season’s campaign and Gordon’s chances of the Liverpool top job (as Paul O’Grady’s posthumous fluffer).

Man of the Match: Sam Emmery
Player of the Season: Martin McGourty

Spencer Grady

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Spencer,

What a great match report to sign off the season! Thank you for continuing to supply such glorious, colourful musings which brighten up the website with each publication.

Cheers

Frank